Oh…It Hurts So Good

I just had lunch with my ex (by the way she ‘s my ex-fianc?…we never got married).

I loved this woman like you wouldn’t believe.

  • I loved her so much that my heart bled – minute by minute for her
  • I loved her so much that if the sun stopped shining I’d be just fine looking at her smile.
  • I loved her so much that she felt like more a part of me than I did – I still feel her in me now
  • I loved her so much that the thought of living without her made as much sense as living without the blood in my veins…she was like my life line.

Deanne And Antonio

I don’t know why I’m ‘trying’ to describe how I felt about her. Using words to describe how much I loved her is just as futile as ‘trying’ to ignore the law of attraction…or gravity.

[10 minutes later]

I’m back. Sometimes crying can be good. I don’t know if it is right now…I’ll just have to believe that it is. Should you love a person that much?

[5 minutes later]

I’m back…again. Yes, it still hurts. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. But that’s a good thing…at least I’m telling myself it is. I do know that our emotions tell us what’s going on in our belief system. Mine are telling me a lot of things right now and it’s like 10 people screaming at me about different things. I’ll get it together.

Anyway, we had lunch today…I haven’t seen her since we broke up almost 3 years ago. Also, on a side note: when I say I ‘loved’ her…I don’t mean that in the past tense. Obviously, I still do.

You know…why in the heck do exes look so freaking good when you see them after a breakup? Is it like a rule or something?

Okay, back to my point…and I do have one 🙂

Sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to…but you have to always know that things go the way they’re “supposed” to go. There’s a higher purpose or reason for the things that happen – EVERYTHING. You many not be able to see the reasons, but they’re there. Get that into your belief system.

For a good part of the relationship, I had a belief that “I wasn’t good enough” – and you know what…I was right. Now before you go saying, “Antonio, you’re good enough for anyone…” I mean in the sense that, as Henry Ford put it, “Whether a man believes he can do a thing or not, he’s right.”

Because I didn’t believe I was good enough, I lived into that. I made that my reality. Then one day she left.

Of course she’ll never say she left me because I wasn’t good enough…but with what I was creating in our relationship, I’m almost certain that was a major factor.

I’ve had all these questions floating around in my head.

What did I do wrong…

What could I have done differently/better…

Of course, dealing with all my ‘should haves/could haves’…

But the main question I should have focused on was really the only one that matters… “What lesson(s) did I learn that can make me an even better person?”

She taught me so much. About life, about love, about myself. One thing I will say is that I’m honored to have Deanne in my life. It was a privilege to love her – a true blessing. Not many people get to experience the love I have for her. I wish everyone could.

Anyway, back to my point…again. As you see I keep getting a little side-tracked.

What was I talking about… lessons – that’s the point I was making…jeez.

The things that happen in our lives are all results of the choices we make to teach us lessons that we need to learn. Yes, you read that correctly. We MAKE the choice to have the things happen in our lives because of a spiritual (subconscious) level, we know these are lessons we need. So, we have to experience the ‘stuff’ to learn them.

It’s very easy to get this intellectually, but when you really get this, it totally changes your view of what you’re going through. It allows you to see the beauty in the situation.

On the surface, I’m still hurting that Deanne left me, but on a grander scale, I’m glad she did. There were so many things I learned in Vegas, so many things I found out about myself, so much ‘stuff’ I had going on in my head about myself, life and relationships (a.k.a. baggage) that i WOULD NEVER HAVE FOUND OUT… if we would have stayed together.

Now, that doesn’t make the pain go away, but it does allow me to see the situation for what it is – Huge leaps and bound of spiritual and emotional growth. Growth that some people never begin to experience. I’m playing a bigger game in this version of life I’m living. And by playing a bigger game, there are bigger rules and responsibilities that go along with that.

It’s like the difference between playing t-ball at your local rec center and playing on a World Series, Super Bowl Championship level.

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Henry Ford, Tiger Woods, Warren Buffet, Donald Trump…all people who pay a bigger game than the next guy. One of the reasons why they’re the best at what they do. They went through more stuff, learned more lessons than the next guy.

Deanne was one of my ‘life coaches’ that pushed me way beyond the limits I created for myself. Our relationship was the ‘training camp’ I needed to play in the big leagues. I love you – and I thank you for it.

You know, I guess I really don’t have a point, maybe I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hopefully this will inspire someone else to “see the lesson” and get the most out of EVERY experience…whether perceived as good or bad.

I love you all.

Here’s to lessons…

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11 thoughts on “Oh…It Hurts So Good

  • November 14, 2006 at 11:47 pm
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    Hey sorry to hear that you aren’t together. Seems like you reallye loved her

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  • November 11, 2006 at 11:49 pm
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    WOW…that’s sounds like some heavy love. Kinda wish someone felt that way about me 🙁

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  • November 12, 2006 at 7:51 am
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    Dude, I feel you man. I went through the same thing myself.

    I fell really hard and was in a deep depression for about 3 years.

    maybe you two can get back together. I hope it works out,

    Reply
  • November 14, 2006 at 11:52 pm
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    oh… yeah, I forgot to add, crying is good. I respect that you’re willing to show your emotions. Most guys don’t do that.

    Reply
  • November 12, 2006 at 7:04 am
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    Gee whiz…you’ve got my crying. I hope things can work out for you. I’ve never seen a guy so in touch with his emotions.

    By the way, she’s beautiful…you make a great couple!

    Reply
  • November 13, 2006 at 2:26 am
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    You too ook good together. It’s nice that you’re able to be friends because you sound like you really cared for her…maybe too much?

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  • November 13, 2006 at 3:17 pm
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    You seem like you were obsessed with her man. That can push people away.

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  • November 13, 2006 at 5:10 pm
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    “Kyle says: You seem like you were obsessed with her man. That can push people away.”

    Kyle I disagree, I don’t see obsession, I see a pure love that most people don’t have. Sometimes, we get into the personal we’re with and we lose touch with other things, but who says that’s aBAD thing? I think we should allow our emottions to flow freely and take us where they may.

    Good for you Antonio for letting your emotions go. And good for you that you were bold enough to express them publicly!

    Reply
  • November 14, 2006 at 11:34 am
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    Krystal,

    I’m not trying to be funny, but if emotions flowing so free was the answer, then why did she leave?

    Reply
  • January 14, 2007 at 6:19 am
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    Thank you for sharing! It changed my false belief about man, it melted my heart, it gave me fresh insight and new vision.
    I am so happy for the love you have.
    I am so happy for all the love!
    Love is goood!

    Reply
  • November 5, 2007 at 1:25 am
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    Brother I’ve been there ,
    It”s a challenge to recognize the blessings in things when they don’t feel very good but the situations that we create certainly help us to grow .

    Reply

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